Hey World!! Its blogging time and I think this may be my most weirdest and most random but most important blog I have done….
What is confidence? Are you born with confidence? Can you learn to be confident? Can confidence be taught..
My experience has been that your either born with a certain level of confidence.. Some more that other.. For me, well for me it was a seed, a small tiny seed inside me I never knew existed.. a small tiny seed that was cared for and cultivated by not only my family but friends, acquaintances, and even strangers who unknowingly played a role in cultivating this seed… the term it takes a village .. Well in my case it was more like a small city LOL … but somehow someway as I look back at my life today, I am seeing how much this seed has grown.. Still lots to go but here’s a little bit of who I was and who I am today..
This blog is going to be a little nostalgic, taking not only you but myself through a little bit of a memory trip..
1st who would I be kidding if I didn’t say the first person to plant that seed was my mother.. my biggest fan, the one supporter that stood by me no matter what..my hero my lil soul mate. and of course my Dad who loved and accepted me my entire life… they brought a lil rugrat to my life my little brother, this lil guy was the 1st experience I had at being someones idol.. now that little rug rat is all grown up and I have a beautiful sis in law and the most beautiful niece ever.
And although sometimes rocky I did have an amazing family with two of the most beautiful grandmothers who ever existed and a grandpa who would kill for me if he had to, and aunts and cousins who love me very much.. but this was baby Adrian .. while charismatic and out going, I had no idea confidence existed for me. The thought of doing half the things I will share with you terrified me to the core.
So fast forward a few years…. And fast forward through many ups and downs and many failed attempts at thinking substance abuse will give me that confidence every gay men wants, which I learned and am learning from experience drug use will not help grow my confidence nor make those things that terrified me to the core be less terrifying, on the contrary every time I went finding confidence on my own through drug use I actually set my self back and damaged all that I had gained by my loving family.
So it took a village and it truly did .. but I do have to stop and say it all started with one man .. Joey Wynn, my 1st true partner and the one person who saw me when I felt invisible… This man saw my seed and he saw my potential and he nourished it by challenging me…
Here is the 1st time I ever wore a harness.. lets go back some here is the 1st time i ever went to a bar with out a shirt on .. I still remember it like it was yesterday… LOL I was a nervous wreck lol… I got flogged that night (mom if you are reading this do not google flogging please and thank you!.. I also came in contact with two individuals who will play a big role in cultivating my confidence seed.
Who wears short, shorts… not me … not this man… hell no to the beach no way give me a burka I am good with that..LOL but not my Daddy .. he bought me my 1st set of skimpy bathing suit.. LOL I never will forget our 1st trip on Ben and Joes Boat… hmm there is part of the village or lol small city that again helped me grow my confidence.. everyone full of compliments and no judgments.. I felt sexy, I felt accepted… whoaaaaa and im shirtless with skimpy shorts.. LOL WHO AM I LOL
Notice how I am strategically hiding behind Jen LOL I my seed was not photo confident yet.. LOL
Who can forget the the day that would come to cost me 100’s of dollars .. 1,000’s of amazing memories and probably one of the turning points in my life and my journey to grow my confidence second only to the 1st time I wore my pup gear .. the 1st time I wore Rubber 🙂 OMG so Daddy said we going to EDC try this one.. LOL that was that ..I was hooked!!!!
It takes a village and honestly my motto is ONE TRIBE ONE COMMUNITY because it wasn’t only like minded leather kinky folk who helped me grow my confidence .. it was people from all walks of life.. Drag Queens, Leather Men, Lether Women, Trans Men, Trans Women, Straight, Vanilla, Lesbians, etc etc etc…
Here are some shots of the amazing village who has helped me become the man i am today
Today I am part of a Triad whit the two most amazing men ever pictured above, Who have not only help build my confidence with love and support but have shared their villages with me adding some amazing family into my life take a look at the wonderful sisters I have gained and 2nd mom who is amazing, along with nephews and amazing extended family..
One of my all time biggest accomplishments on this journey to grow my confidence is running for Mr Florida Rubber.. I swore an everything you can swear on that I would NEVER EVER EVER be on stage … and I did it.. with the support of my village I did it..
.. some how that shy awkward kid who hardly spoke ( yes its true) who never wanted the spot light , who was a wall flower… is on stage and now getting ready compete at MIR on international level AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. LOL I will need my village
This picture below pretty much sums me up today
so once again my post is all over the place .. but here is my main message the message that comes from my heart
If you feel you dont have confidence .. you look around and you see everyone else seems to fit in and you dont .. it feels like everyone has found their place and you haven’t… give it time.. let your seed blossom.. there are people in your world right now watering your seed and soon enough your confidence will blossom.. now here is the thing I have found … you want to have a village you need to be part of a village.. so it is also our responsibility to seek out the wall flower, encourage them, push your friends up , be a light at the end of the tunnel, be an encouraging voice in a moment of fear… because you have the power to change some ones life just like all the those in my life change mine!
LOL and yes I said SEED lots of times lol even said water your seed… lol perverts go head and laugh lol
I TRULY LOVE YOU ALL THANK EACH AND EVERYONE IN MY LIFE FOR HELPING ME IN MY JOURNEY TO FIND CONFIDENCE.. MY JOURNEY IS FAR FROM OVER.. BUT WITH MY TRIBE BY MY SIDE I CAN DO ANYTHING. I ONLY HOPE TO BE AS LIFE CHANGING TO SOME ONE ELSE AS YOU ALL HAVE BEEN TO ME.
This message will not contain correct spelling, little less will it contain proper grammar or punctuation.. hell it might not make sense but IT IS WONKA APPROVED