A pups journey in recovery 🙂
So as I always say lol if you reading my blog expecting good grammar , proper spelling , or something that even makes sense lol you reading wrong blog lol 😉
But if you want know lil more about me and how I think well read on 🙂
My life has been a true roller coaster 😳😳😳😳😳 more so in the last year than ever .. but I made a decision a few weeks ago to live in the solution and this post is a pup journey in recovery!
On April 4, 2017 this crazy pup made a decision to go into rehab , my life was a mess and I was facing loosing two very important people in my life .. the magic comes in why I stayed in recovery …
So I’ll start by saying addiction sucks , this illness is horrible , it destroys everything and everyone in its life!
But on a flip note working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, gives you a life beyond your wildest dreams … but it is work, you gotta do what the book says!
So today is day 69 for me … and yea some say .. he’s only got 69 days what does he know , well to those people I say a day is just a day , it’s what you do with your day that counts .. I said something in a meeting the other day that has stuck with me , the solution, or in other words the program of action outlined in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous is same for everyone .. so if you live your life following the kit of tools laid at your feet , the only difference between having 69 days and 69 years is the amount of experiences you have gotten to apply these beautiful principles too!
Life has not been perfect by no means .. I have had and am having many difficulties as life is life, I left some one who is extremely important to me , i had to be honest… I didn’t have a job up until two weeks ago, this is the 1st year I had no money get my mom Mother’s Day gift, I’ve struggled with making friends , I’ve had to clean up a lot of wreckage … but.. there is a but .. the beautiful part of this program is simple .. if I take a few steps , 12 to be exact 😉 and then live by a few simple rules
1. Carry the message to others
2. Practice the principles of the program in all my affairs
3. And try to practice my assets as oppose to my defects
I find that I am given a design that even when life through pain and heart ache your way , you can still have peace!
Peace is the magic of this program .. in the middle of the storm , to find peace is to find a god of your understanding.
It was hard making some decisions I made this year, it’s hard , really hard to try and change everything about you .. but when you are in enough pain, and your only option is change , or continue using till you die … we’ll change does not sound that bad
So what have I had to change … well I had to start being honest .. hmm that’s a big one .. the big lies where easy .. but it’s the being honest with yourself … it’s doing what you know is right , not comfortable .. it’s to know when you are manipulating situations , manipulating your own thoughts , justifying behaviors .. telling people the truth bad telling your self the truth is essential .. by the way I have found lies, hurt the liar much more than the person receiving the lie…
Next thing I had change is stop trying run the show, let life happen , learning to show up … do my best and let go.. I struggle the most in this aspect with people .. I always have a hard time letting go , I feel that I can fix anything .. and in truth n being honest I realized i should not force anyone to be in my life as that will just keep them unhappy and in a mental prison and prolong the inevitable… I had to stop trying to think i know what’s best for everyone .. or better yet .. I can read minds. I had to be ok letting things be.
I had to have courage .. courage to walk through my fears .. to do things that terrified me .. and if you see a pattern .. it’s loosing people .. that’s my biggest fear ..
I also had to walk through other fears like being vulnerable… asking for help , telling people I need them.. not waiting for people reach out to me I had to reach out to people .. even if it meant I’d have face rejection, or chance loosing them ..
I had to be wiling to do the work .. I literally spent 6, some times 8 hours a day with my guide or sponsor , working the big book , reading and highlighting … staring and finishing my 4th step, actually go out and making right my wrongs (still doing this daily) and now continue working with others and read with them like he did with me I HAVE to do this. I also have to act different .. I can’t think my way into good acting , my mind is messed up , I have to act my way into good thinking .. what this means to me is .. what was my normal common sense had to be uncommon, I had to do the opposite of that my defect are .. as I saw different results to situations or as I see them , I hope this becomes easier .. cause right now it’s hard but I try my best
Then the biggest thing I had to do , is something I am not good at and that is stick to it , I have to stick to this.. when I’m getting un peaceful I have to do those few things I mentioned above … when things go good I have to do them , when things go bad I have to do them more .. I have to do them.. no more quitting when things go bad , or resting wen things are good .. I have to try my best everyday!
It’s simple but it’s not easy , I make mistakes every single day .. but there is one thing that never fails .. at any time .. no matter how big the mistake .. I can choose to do the things I mentioned , I can choose to jump in the solution and decide to change my perspective and although this does not guarantee the pain will disappear , it does guarantee the suffering will!
This rollercoaster has been crazy, I have gained the love , trust , and confidence of my family , I have re-established a lost connection with my husband , I am working again and was lucky enough to land a better job than before, I have gained few life long friends, i have lost few friends ,I have gone to places and done things I thought I’d never do sober, I stopped doing things that I use to think where priority, I’ve changed my ideas , actions and thought to how I feel about many things , I have also lost some amazing people in my life one was my best friend and I miss him , but even in that situation I apply the principle of hope and faith that all is as it should and we never know what tomorrow brings .. (im not the director , i must live by hope and faith)
This all sound maybe weird , maybe to good to be true .. but as i sit here coming back from a sober trip to San Fransisco .. not having the need to fill my void with Sex and validation and being able to enjoy my time and be in the present with the people I was with.. that just proof that it’s working!
I went to Mr. S, tried on stuff, spoke to everyone , made new friends , when the decision to stay in for the night was made I was at peace , I wasn’t chasing anything or anyone .. I don’t have and won’t have any apps , Facebook is distraction enough and even with that I’m trying to moderate it.
See for a long time I have had this hole in my soul , I have disliked everything about me … I was always seeking something or some one , or some thought to fill that hole .. but the truth is I have found the only way to fill it is learn about yourself , get rid of anger , face your fears, be a good person , make right the wrongs of your past, help others … that’s it .. when I do that .. I find peace .. no matter what’s going on.
I’m sure most of this post is a ramble .. but .. I’m happy with it .. it’s me .. it’s what I’m feeling and for the 1st time in my life .. opinions don’t matter , bad ones won’t hurt and good ones won’t validate .. I simple believe in my self enough to know this is where I am at .. I am doing my best .. and let go of the rest
I’m still shit bat crazy, I laugh just as much or even more than ever , im no saint , I have a long way to go.. but at least I have a purpose to go towards 🙂
This puppy loves you all!
And remember never be ashamed of asking for help !! Especially if it’s help with an addiction! There are angels all around who will help!
By the way the principles I am referring to are
I challenge you try to live by these for 24 hours.. I even confident enough to say use a handful of them on any issues you are facing .. try it 24 hours and see how you feel!
See I had to find the willingness to do this by facing the hell of addiction..
But no one has to , you can do this and feel Goood no matter if you in program or not .. 🙂
Love you 🙂
WonkaPup Adrian 🙂
Ps Fernando who is on this trip and flight with me 😉 here is your shout out boo 🙂 you are awesome!