Every storm runs out of rain….
Ok like always when I do a blog I tell you guys thank you for reading, thank you for wanting to get to know me a lil better 🙂
please don’t read this expecting grammar to be on point, or even have any at all .. and definitely not the best spelling.. and lots of run on sentences…
I try to blog , like it think ..
So this blog is a reflection of a very very very dark time in my life.. I am reflecting on this not with regret, not to relive it.. but they are emotions that are coming to the surface in light of my 1 year anniversary in recover Wednesday April 4, 2018.
2016 – 2017 was a very dark time in my life… actually the last 7 years in active addiction since the time I relapsed were very very very dark times but I’m going to focus on the moments last year that lead me to recovery.
just like everything in life 2016/2017 had its good moments.. but the bad moments where some of the most hurtful moments of my entire life.. I hurt some of the most incredible human beings on this earth
But let me stay on track…after months of literal hell, in hospitals due to overdoses(me) fights, pain, infections(literally got an infection in my aortic valve), etc etc…on March 30, 2017 was the day I put my best buddy, my then puppy on an airplane to rehab after realizing we were both dyeing if we did not stop.. it was one of the hardest good byes in my entire life… the pain I felt was unexplainable …..
I wish I could tell you I got on the next plane and went to rehab myself but that is not my story … I continued using .. I had a flight April 2, 2017 to take me to Texas to go into Right Step(treatment) but between March 30 and April 3 my life was horrible…..
after years of hell the next few days I thought I was going to die.. little did I know .. I did and then was reborn…..
My husband, the man who has taken care of me and lifted me up when everything would crash, had to endure what was the collapse of me as a human being.. he found me out side passed out unclothed upside down on the grass, my body full of mosquito bites, he thought I was dead 🙁 the pain I caused him … (again this is just a recap the last few days before recovery began, I did worst things to him, my family , My friends , my loved ones , but I’m focusing On the couple of days before I got help) you think that would be enough to stop me…unfortunately no..
I got on the airplane on April 2, 2017 and headed to Texas… my then puppy, my husband, my parents, my friends all thought I was going straight into rehab..
but drugs and alcohol had a grip on me and when I landed I went to a friends (person I randomly met online) house there that was a dealer….. Now he is where it gets dark… finding myself in a strange state, alone , no puppy, no husband to catch my fall, no family, no friends, homeless, feeling the saddest I have in my entire life.. I found myself in a dark room and I realize this is not a life , and I was ready to kill myself..
I mean what was left..? I had convinced everyone I was at rehab , I had my phone off, all the feelings I was running from with drugs and alcohol where more prevalent then ever before.. I missed my smile, I missed my husband, I missed my puppy, I missed my family .. I was no longer human …. I was a zombie and I came to the conclusion that dyeing was easier….. I was already dead inside….
Little did I know that I suppose God had a different plan.. I managed to fall asleep, I don’t know how I fell asleep .. there was drugs everywhere but God said sleep ..
when I woke up I made the phone call that changed my life .. I called the treatment center and told them I had lied and I was not at my aunts house (that’s the excuse I told them why I was not there the day I was suppose be there)
I told them please I need to get in the treatment know.. I needed to go before this moment of clarity leaves.. I got rid of all the drugs and I packed my suit case and I walked to the corner of the block and just sat there ..
they called me back, they did not have van to pick me up .. I said I’d uber… and I called an uber right away…
OMG that poor uber driver .. I made him crazy … I remember I had three objectives.. call my husband and my mom and tell them the truth.. I could feel the fear in his voice when he found out I was miles away and not in rehab , I assured him that I was on my way and kept sending him pics as I got closer until finally I got there and send him my last pic from the center before they took my phone…
my other objective was to call the puppy .. now remember he is in rehab and they have this privacy thing and could not tell me if he was there .. omg I think the girl on my phone noticed that I was going to have a melt down and found a way to put him in the phone.. I said my final good bye before I went into treatment …
then my last objective I needed to eat taco bell.. so I had the uber driver .. drive me to a taco place in Texas… In the car ride I swallowed two Xanax and I got into the treatment center.. into detox…
I could not stop crying .. I thought my life was over and that life thankfully was over.. I did have hope , I had this glimmer of hope that maybe it was just beginning…
It was… a lot more darkness happened preceding this day … but well I think you get the picture of the insanity…
I been crying for the last few days… I been crying cause everything is so different…
My husband is no longer walking around in fear, he goes on work trips and goes with peace of mind… he loves me and trusts me, we are working on repairing to our home, our lives, our hearts and I could not be more grateful that he stuck by me and didn’t give up ..
The puppy is still sober, we are no longer together and this year has been very strange, our friendship has evolved many times.. but we both are sober and we still love and support each other even though that love and support has taken many different shapes and forms…
My family is at peace, omg I spend Sat and Sun with them and it was just peaceful , full of laughter, fun , good conversations… it’s just so different , my brother loves me, my moms not worried , my dad loves me , my nieces are the best .
I have a Job, a good Job I love my job
I have worked the 12 steps of AA/CMA , last year this day I was in a dark room scared for my life , tonight I get to go have dinner and listen to a sponsees 5th step *( yes this mess of a human now has someone who trust him enough to take him through the steps… ) its crazy Omg
I have made amends, I have made things right with people I had hurt so bad, I repaired everything I could and I continue doing this as situations arise where I can repair damages I created.
I have the most amazing friends in the planet, I have people who I check in with every day , I have people who check in on me every day.
I have a sponsor who I am totally honest with
I have peace in my heart, I have never had that.
I am in therapy, I am in therapy seeking help for issues which I need, I do have mental issues.. maybe most them caused by years of abuse to my body .. but im getting help and navigating recovery with mental illness has not always been easy.. but I would not trade the worst day today for that day a year ago when all I wanted to do was die.
I don’t know if any of this made any sense..
I have so much more to say but… again I literally type as I think .. and I think .. that I said exactly what I needed to say…
I have been an emotional for the last few days , but I do not regret what happened I do not regret that darkness.
I do wish I could take the pain I caused my loved ones away … but as far as the pain I caused my self … I needed to feel that pain to take a chance and become the man I was meant to be…
My days today look so different, I no longer hate my self enough to need an excape to run from my self.. I still have lots self love issues but Im working on them .. I do not run from them by getting drunk or high…
Its lil crazy how much has changed in 1 year.. Tomorrow April 4, 2018 is my 1 year free from drugs and alcohol , free from torture!
Now I don’t celebrate tomorrow as graduation , I acknowledge the mile stone.. but tomorrow is no different than today .. I will still pray in the morning, pray at night, do my gratitude list, help some one else, get to a meeting, practice the principles in all my affairs.. and have faith that I am right where I need to be at this very moment!
I love you all , with all my heart !